剖开自己，然后呢？ / After Laying Myself Open, What Comes Next?

After Laying Myself Open, What Comes Next?

关系最密切的一些弟兄姊妹们，以及我的家人，都劝我暂时放下网络事工，先养活自己，以及对家庭负责。

Some of the brothers and sisters closest to me, as well as my family, have all advised me to temporarily put down my online ministry, first support myself, and take responsibility for my family.

要让自己有能力一点，自己变强了，才有可能去帮助别人。

I need to become more capable and stronger first; only then may I be able to help others.

大家都认为：更不能让我自认为的“网络事工”，成了我逃避家庭责任的借口。

Everyone believes that what I myself call “online ministry” must not become an excuse for me to escape my family responsibilities.

为什么是“自认为”呢？

Why do I say “what I myself call it”?

以我的家人的看法：我这么多年，帮别人找资料和书籍，并没有真正帮到别人。

In my family’s view, all these years of helping others find materials and books have not truly helped anyone.

仅从网络上不停地在各个群里，或者是在微信、QQ里劝人归正，是没有任何效果的。

Simply going online again and again, speaking in different groups, or urging people on WeChat and QQ to return to sound doctrine has no effect at all.

大家都认为：我主动推荐的书和资料，是没有人会看的，所以我只是在白白地做工，没有任何果效。

Everyone believes that no one will read the books and materials that I actively recommend, so I am only working in vain, with no fruit at all.

再加上我自己没有先装备自己，所以那些仅仅网络上的聊天，更不可能有效果。

On top of that, I have not first equipped myself, so those conversations that exist only online are even less likely to have any effect.

所以，“网络事工”，很可能仅仅是我自认为的“网络事工”。

So this “online ministry” may very well be only something that I myself call “online ministry.”

当然了，家人的话让我很受伤。

Of course, my family’s words hurt me deeply.

这是完全否定了我多年来在“网络事工”上的付出和辛苦。

This completely denies all the effort and hard work I have put into “online ministry” over the years.

我也没办法否认妻子和儿女说的不对。

And I cannot say that my wife and children are wrong.

我的现状

My Current Situation

我的现状是：过于渴望有更多的时间从事网络事工，或者更准确地说，是我自认为的“网络事工”。

My current situation is that I have been too eager to have more time for online ministry—or more accurately, for what I myself call “online ministry.”

所以：

So:

一，我压缩了自己的睡眠时间。

First, I cut down my own sleep time.

经常早晨四五点就去跑外卖和跑出租车，虽然每晚都在十二点左右才睡。

I often go out around four or five in the morning to deliver food or drive passengers, even though I usually do not go to sleep until around midnight.

二，我给了儿女很大的压力。

Second, I put a lot of pressure on my children.

我希望他们上课之余，去做些零工。

I want them to do some part-time work outside of their classes.

我给自己找的借口是：孩子都上大学了，需要独立。

The excuse I give myself is that they are already in college and need to become independent.

三，我告诉妻子，我只想挣够我自己的生活费。

Third, I told my wife that I only wanted to earn enough to cover my own living expenses.

其它时间，我都要用来做事工，以及学点英语，以备以后向当地人传福音。

I wanted to use all the rest of my time for ministry and to learn some English, so that I could preach the gospel to local people in the future.

结果当然是：

The result, of course, is:

长期睡眠不足，身体变差；

Long-term lack of sleep has made my health worse;

儿女感到很大压力；

my children feel great pressure;

妻子失去安全感。

and my wife has lost her sense of security.

一直以来，我为自己找的借口

The Excuses I Have Always Made for Myself

一直以来，我为自己找了众多的借口，以自己宽慰和麻痹自己：

For a long time, I have made many excuses for myself to comfort and numb myself:

一，我有那么多个微信，好友数两三万人了，我长年服事了这么多的肢体。

First, I have so many WeChat accounts, with twenty or thirty thousand contacts, and I have served so many brothers and sisters for many years.

二，我建设并管理的主内网站，几十个了；仅新建的在线主内书籍，也几万本了。

Second, I have built and managed dozens of Christian websites, and the newly added online Christian books alone number in the tens of thousands.

三，我除了没能挣钱更多供养家庭，我一直有在挣自己的生活费，我没拖累任何人。

Third, apart from not earning more money to support my family, I have always earned my own living expenses, and I have not been a burden to anyone.

四，我一直所做的，是一份“网络事工”；是事工。

Fourth, what I have always been doing is “online ministry”; it is ministry.

网络时代我这样做，是有一定的果效的。

In the Internet age, doing this has a certain amount of fruit.

这是我最大的借口。

This is my biggest excuse.

我的心魔

The Demon in My Heart

我的老太，人称“老耶稣”，专职布道几十年。

My elder relative, known by others as “Old Jesus,” spent several decades preaching the gospel full-time.

我一直想成为他那样的人。

I have always wanted to become a person like him.

又因为我不会说话，没有口才，也不会与人打交道，所以，网络成为了我的救命稻草。

And because I am not good at speaking, have no gift for public speaking, and do not know how to deal with people well, the Internet became my lifeline.

我就在这么多年中，自以为义地，自封自己在做“网络事工”。

So over all these years, in my self-righteousness, I appointed myself as someone doing “online ministry.”

多年来，这成了我虚荣的“价值感”所在。

For many years, this became the place where my vain sense of “self-worth” came from.

剖开自己，然后呢？

After Laying Myself Open, What Comes Next?

情况已经很明显了。

The situation is already very clear.

虽然我不太能接受，但现实就是：

Although I find it hard to accept, the reality is:

我是一个不负责的人，自以为义的人，活在虚荣中的人。

I am an irresponsible person, a self-righteous person, and a person living in vanity.

那么，剖开了自己，然后呢？

So, after laying myself open, what comes next?

我的前路在哪呢？

Where is the road ahead for me?

有一处我特意没有弱化：“没有任何效果”“没有人会看”“完全否定”“没有任何果效”“我是一个不负责的人”，英文也都按原来的强度表达了。